


Whole

by to_love_a_lightwood



Series: Save Our Souls [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, And like one make out session, Anxiety, Boys Kissing, But like sexual thoughts i guess?, Mild Sexual Content, Non Graphic, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, dark themes, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 19:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12019926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/to_love_a_lightwood/pseuds/to_love_a_lightwood
Summary: Sequel to Trapped. Alec Lightwood moves into an apartment with his emotional support dog, Axel. He has absolutely no idea how he let himself choose Magnus Bane as his roommate, but his decision forces him to face feelings he's been burying since his awful childhood. Magnus asks him out, and Alec starts to realize maybe love isn't so bad after all.





	Whole

**Author's Note:**

> As previously mentioned, this is a sequel. I recommend you read Trapped first to get the full backstory, but to summarize the first part Maryse is kidnapped by Robert and raises Alec and Izzy in his basement. This fic takes place around 16 years after they escape, so Alec is 22 and Izzy is 20. Please heed the tags! This isn't too graphic but there is a semi-descriptive panic attack and some self-hatred.

Axel trotted happily ahead of Alec as they walked into their still relatively new home. He had only had the golden retriever for about a month, due to Maryse's concerns about her son's PTSD and anxiety and how he would fare living alone and away from home, but Alec loved the dog like they had been together for years. He was pretty sure Axel loved him too. 

Alec's apartment was 2B, which was on the second floor of the building. It was pretty nice for a single e-blog editor fresh out of college (well, he had done all of his courses online, but it still counted as college) with two bedrooms, a nice bathroom, and a full kitchen. The walls were all painted neutral shades of beige and gray, which was just fine with Alec, and everything in the apartment seemed to be in excellent condition. Finding a roommate to share it with was the only problem. 

Alec had lived with his mother and sister his whole life. After they had been released from the hospital, the police officer who had found Maryse, Luke Garroway, had helped her get back on her feet. He and his wife had organized a fundraiser that had raised enough money for Maryse to buy an apartment for her and her children. He had recommended therapists for Maryse and the kids and talked with her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, which Alec knew was far more often than his mother would ever admit to. His family had ended up spending the night at their small apartment a few times throughout the years, allowing Alec and Izzy to befriend his step-daughter Clary. 

Luke's family was around so much, the Lightwoods became a part of it. They were always spending time together, which was one of the reasons Alec had waited until he was twenty two to move out. He had become so used to having them around that he could hardly stand living alone. 

Alec tried not to be picky, but he knew he had some standards when it came to who he would be living with. They couldn't be too loud, because that would just put him on edge all the time. They had to be okay with Izzy visiting constantly, and of course they needed to understand that even though Axel could be played with, his main purpose was to keep Alec calm. They needed to let the dog do his job. 

The first roommate interviews had been okay, but Alec wasn't really interested in any of them. One of them seemed far too interested in the fact that Izzy would occasionally be spending the night, and another couldn't seem to grasp the fact that Axel was a service animal. Alec could barely hide his annoyance when the guy had said, "But you're not blind? Why do you need a service dog?"

Alec's hopes were dwindling, which is why when he had his next interview he just stayed dressed in a black t-shirt and loose gray sweatpants. He opened the door to his apartment and took in the stranger standing outside, immediately knowing it would be another failed attempt. 

The man was dressed in a bright red jacket and black skinny jeans. There was a white t-shirt under the jacket dotted with sparkles, and the red streak in the front of his sparkly hair matched his outfit perfectly. His eyes caught Alec's attention, the golden color accented perfectly with a smokey eye. 

"Magnus Bane," the man said, shooting out a black-nailed hand for Alec to shake. "I believe you're Alexander Lightwood?"

Axel, who had followed Alec to the door, gave Alec's leg a comforting nudge. Although Alec hated hearing his full name because it was what Robert called him, it didn't seem so threatening coming from this man. Alec shook Magnus's hand, already knowing this man would be too loud for his tastes despite the soft tone of his voice. "You can call me Alec, if you want. Come in, please."

Alec stepped aside to let Magnus in, closing the door behind him. He led Magnus to his living area, where he had already set up a chair facing the couch for the interview. Alec gestured for Magnus to take a seat in the chair as he and Axel got situated on the sofa. Alec rested a hand on Axel's head as he began the interview. "So, Magnus, what do you do for a living?"

Magnus folded his hands, resting them on his lap. "I own a club downtown called Pandemonium with a friend of mine."

Alec nodded, silently counting that as Strike one. How could a club owner be the quiet roommate Alec was looking for? "What do you do in your free time?"

Magnus shrugged. "I go out with friends, sometimes." Alec was ready to count that as Strike two, but Magnus continued. "I also enjoy reading and cooking."

Alec grudgingly admitted to himself that it would be nice to have someone who knew how to cook around. Reading was also a hobby Alec could deal with, since he did quite a bit of it himself. "Oh yeah? What do you read?"

Magnus grinned. "Anything, really, although I do enjoy historical themes."

Alec felt himself beginning to smile, too. "I can read anything too. Do you have a favorite author?"

He and Magnus ended up talking about literature for much longer than Alec had intended, but Magnus seemed to enjoy the discussion as much as Alec did. Alec was so relaxed that when he saw how late it was he jumped so hard it jostled Axel. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how late it was getting!" Alec rushed to explain. 

Magnus laughed. "No worries, darling, I lost track of time as well." Alec felt a flutter in his chest when he heard Magnus call him that, but he blamed his anxious heart. "Did you have anything else you wanted to ask?"

Alec felt himself flush as he realized that Magnus didn't even know about his conditions yet. "Ah, yes. There are some things you should know if... If you think you want to move in." He took a deep breath, and Axel rested his chin on Alec's thigh for support. "First of all, Axel here is a service animal. There are times where he can play, but even at home his... services are sometimes needed."

He braced himself for the onslaught of uncomfortable questions, but they never came. Magnus only nodded and said, "I completely understand. I won't bother him while he's working."

Alec was mildly surprised, but continued. "Okay. My sister also sometimes spends the night here. When she comes over she'll take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch."

Alec watched Magnus's face for any hint of interest, but his expression remained neutral. "That's totally fine with me. She is family, after all."

Alec nodded again, already softening his perspective of Magnus. He knew he had been too harsh at first, and now he thought Magnus was a good fit for him. If not, he could always tell Magnus where he spent the first six years of his life, which would be enough to scare him away for good. 

Alec made a quick decision that he hoped he wouldn't regret. "'Magnus, I've interviewed a fair number of people. I can honestly say I think you would be a great roommate for me and I'd like for you to move in here."

Magnus beamed. "That's fantastic, Alexander. When can I move in?"

********************************************

From the moment Magnus moved in, he defied each and every one of Alec's expectations. His cooking was exquisite, and he was never too loud for Alec. He had some late nights, but he had never woken Alec up when he came home. His friends didn't judge Alec and seemed to like him as much as Magnus did. He respected Alec's space and even got along with Izzy like best friends. He was almost perfect. 

The only problem was how he made Alec feel. 

Alec had grown up in an environment where sex was a punishment. It was nonconsensual, painful, and just plain terrifying. As a result, he had never actually wanted to have sex with someone. He never even thought about it. That is, until Magnus. 

Alec had of course noticed Magnus was attractive, but it got worse with every passing day. He began to notice how Magnus still looked incredible without makeup. He had to force himself not to stare as Magnus moved with grace and purpose. He was so easy to talk to, and Alec felt terrible that sometimes he zoned out while Magnus was talking just to watch his lips curve as he spoke. 

One day, about two months after he moved in, Alec was sitting in the living room when he heard the bathroom door open. He knew Magnus had been in the shower, so he didn't have to look up to see what was going on. He couldn't explain why he did it, but before he could stop himself he was greeted by a very shirtless, very wet Magnus. His skin was flawless, and his muscles could have been sculpted by the gods. Alec gazed across his strong arms, his flat stomach, that perfect V that disappeared beneath his towel that led to-

"-okay? Alec, are you alright?" Magnus sounded far away, but Alec could still hear the concern laced in his voice. He was probably feeling awkward, considering he was nearly naked and Alec was just staring at him. God, if only he knew what Alec had been thinking about him, he wouldn't be worried about him at all. He'd be disgusted. After all, even if he did like Alec, he would have to deal with Alec wanting him but being too terrified to do anything. And what about Alec's past? How could he explain that to someone? 'Oh yeah, I'm the result of my mother being raped by the man who kidnapped her and held her captive for eight years. Also, I watched that man rape my mother almost every night for the first six years of my life and as a result am unable to even contemplate being intimate with anyone.' Yeah, that'd go over just fine. 

Alec didn't realize he was having a panic attack until he felt Magnus grab his face. He looked into Magnus's eyes, gasping for breath. Something nudged his leg, and he looked down to find Axel nuzzling his knee. He shakily reached out and began to pet the dog, Magnus's voice suddenly reaching him. "-good, Alec, you're doing great. Keep breathing, focus on my voice."

The second Alec could speak again, he started rambling. "I'm so sorry, Magnus, I- I can't, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Magnus held a finger to his lips, effectively silencing him. "It's okay, Alexander. You have nothing to apologize for."

"You're the only person that I let call me that," Alec said before he could stop himself. "It reminds me-"

Alec cut himself off, finally regaining control of his body again. His eyes widened as he realized how close he was to telling Magnus. "I... I'm sorry," he whispered again, before he got up and escaped to his room, Axel following him. 

Alec flopped onto his bed, allowing Axel to curl up next to him. He couldn't believe that had just happened. He hadn't had a panic attack since... He couldn't remember. After all this time, after everything that had happened to him and his family, the thing that had sent him spiraling into an attack had been thinking about Magnus. He wished it didn't bother him as much as it did. 

********************************************

Magnus doesn't ask for an explanation for the attack, only asking Alec how he's feeling the next day. Alec is extremely grateful. 

Alec ends up telling Izzy about his feelings towards Magnus over lunch one day at the apartment while Magnus is out. She, of course, is excited for him. "That's great, Alec," she smiles. "Really, I'm happy for you."

Alec shakes his head in frustration. "No, Izzy, you don't understand... I can't even think about... How am I supposed to tell him?"

Izzy grabs his hand over the table, her face sympathetic. He knows Izzy is too young to remember much from the house, but he knows she has fragments. She'd told him she remembers the night he got the burns on his back and the day they escaped, but not much else. He's glad she doesn't have to remember the way he does, but he envies her in times like these. 

"Alec," she says softly. "I know he likes you too. If he's the guy we think he is, he'll understand. If not, he's probably not worth your time anyways."

Alec looked at Izzy skeptically. "How do you know he likes me?"

Izzy grinned. "Oh, big brother. You're so blind."

********************************************

By the time Magnus asks Alec to be his boyfriend, Alec still hasn't told him a thing. He's wanted to, many times, but he always backs out at the last minute. When Magnus asked him if he was hot because it was nearly ninety degrees outside and Alec had put on a t-shirt to sleep in, he had chickened out and told Magnus he just didn't like his body. Magnus had frowned at that, but he didn't push. During a few of their steamier make out sessions, Alec always stopped Magnus from taking his shirt off with the excuse that he "just wasn't ready." Magnus respected every boundary he set without question, which made it easier for Alec to not say anything. 

After their fifth date, they were kissing on the couch in their apartment. Alec felt like he was floating, his mouth moving against Magnus's trying to deepen the kiss. Magnus groaned in approval and grabbed Alec's waist lightly, brushing his fingers against his bare skin. Alec felt like Magnus left a trail of sparks on his skin, his touch spreading warmth the farther it went up Alec's back-

-And Alec was jerking back so fast he fell off the couch, landing in a heap on the floor. His chest was heaving with each breath, and he was in the middle of cursing himself for getting so lost in the moment that he had almost let Magnus feel the scars-

He didn't realizing he was apologizing until Magnus sighed and told him to stop. He immediately sealed his lips shut, determined to never say another word for the rest of his life. He was so stupid. 

"Darling," Magnus said carefully, "I know something is going on. I don't know what it is and I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me anything, but I want you to know I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, and I promise I won't judge. "

Alec's head was spinning. He trusted Magnus, he really did, but he couldn't tell him about his life. That's not the kind of bomb you can just drop on your boyfriend/roommate following a hot make out session. He didn't think he could bear it if Magnus knew. God, he would never look at him the same way again. Alec couldn't live with Magnus despising him, Magnus thinking he was disgusting... 

He couldn't tell Magnus the truth. Alec had spent far too much time building walls around himself to let Magnus take them down this easily. 

He wants to tell Magnus. He trusts him. But he's learned from his mother's mistakes. Sometimes, trust can be the very thing that destroys you. 

Alec's back hurts from where he'd fallen on it, and his breaths are still coming in smothered gasps. The way Magnus is looking at him makes him want to spill everything, but he knows he can't. Not yet. 

"I'm sorry," he says. "I want to tell you. I just- I need a little more time."

Alec is surprised when Magnus doesn't look the least bit disappointed. Instead, he gives him a small smile and says, "Of course, Alexander. Whenever you're ready."

Magnus pulls him back onto the couch with a fluid movement and grins, turning on one of the fashion reality shows he's been trying to get Alec interested in. Alec honestly can't tell the difference between the three or four Magnus has shown him, but he listens to Magnus explain everything with an excited tone. It's the least Alec could do for his boyfriend to show him how grateful he was for his support. 

********************************************

"Table for two," Magnus announced to the host as they entered the restaurant. The host, startled, only stared at the couple and their dog. 

Alec understood why. This place looked like it sold the most expensive meals in the city. Considering Magnus had picked it out, it probably did. The people here were all dressed on what looked like evening gowns or three-piece suits, and appeared to be in a perpetual state of sneering. Alec, in his sunglasses and "fancy" denim shirt and Magnus with his hot pink silk robe stuck out like a couple of sore thumbs. The dog panting quietly next to Alec only seemed to draw more attention. 

The host, seemingly over his initial shock, appeared to be disgusted. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave the dog outside."

Magnus waved him off. "Oh, he's a service animal."

Alec's stomach began to churn as the host rolled his eyes. "We don't allow any animals in the restaurant," he dismissed, "service or otherwise. I'm afraid you'll either need to get rid of him or leave. You're holding up the line."

Alec could practically feel the impatience radiating from the line of people gathering behind them. "Magnus, it's okay," he said quietly. "We can go somewhere else."

Magnus turned to Alec, his eyes sad. "Are you sure, darling?" Alec only nodded, fighting the urge to distance himself from the growing crowd. Axel rubbed his leg with his head, sensing his anxiety spiking. 

Magnus turned back to the host. "I'm sorry sir, but it appears my date wants to go somewhere else to dine. And honestly, if the first thing I saw in this establishment was your face, I think I would lose my appetite as well." At that, Magnus turned on his heel and led Alec and Axel to the door, leaving a silently fuming host behind them. 

Once they were outside, Magnus put a hand on Alec's arm. "I'm so sorry," he began. "I didn't know about their policy and-"

Alec presses a gentle kiss to Magnus's lips, effectively shutting him up. He grins, trying to appear unbothered by the snobby host. "It's fine, Magnus. I was kind of in the mood for Ethiopian, anyways."

Ethiopian isn't Alec's favorite, but seeing Magnus's entire demeanor shift at the idea of his favorite food is well worth it. Magnus kisses him again, smiling slightly against Alec's lips. "Ethiopian it is." 

Their date ends up being far different from what they had planned it would be, but Alec couldn't care less. No one has ever looked at him the way Magnus does, and he knows he's happiest when he's with him. He loves knowing he can be himself around Magnus, and he loves feeling like he's on top of the world. And, although he refuses to think too much about it yet, he thinks he just might love Magnus too. 

********************************************

Two days after their incredible Ethiopian date, the thoughts he's been avoiding finally catch up to him. It's around midnight, and Alec is getting ready to go to bed after (blessedly) finishing an article for his boss. Magnus had gone to bed a few minutes prior, leaving Alec alone with his thoughts. 

Alec had been so distracted that when he remembered his thoughts from the other night, he froze in the middle of taking his t-shirt off. Was he in love with Magnus?

He finished taking his shirt off, trying to relax a little. He sat down on the bed where Axel was watching him, detecting his sudden change in mood. As he stroked the dog's fur, he allowed himself to think. 

His automatic response was a resounding no. He had never thought about love before, not wanting to think it would apply to him. After all, who could love someone with his issues? Plus, love drove people to do crazy things. He knew his personal experiences weren't the most accurate representation of what love did to people, but love was the thing that had caused Robert to kidnap his mother. Did Alec really want to experience something that unpredictable, that dangerous?

However, he knew Magnus wasn't like that. Magnus was soothing, calm, happiness. He never made Alec afraid or nervous. In fact, he helped Alec control those negative emotions. Didn't that mean something? Could Magnus feel this way about him, too?

Alec was halfway to Magnus's room without realizing it. He wasn't sure what he was doing. He made no conscious decision to talk to Magnus right now. Still, he marched to his bedroom and knocked on the door. 

Magnus's eyes are bleary and confused when he opens the door, but quickly focus and take in Alec's bare torso in front of him. Maybe it's the adrenaline of realizing he might be in love with his roommate, but Alec doesn't care he isn't wearing a shirt right now. Instead, he brushes past Magnus and paces his room instead, careful to keep his back facing away from his boyfriend. 

Alec is talking before he can stop to gather his thoughts. "Magnus, the other day, when we... I need to tell you-well, maybe show you? I just-you have to know-"

Magnus interrupts him. "Slow down, darling. I can't understand you when you talk that fast."

Alec struggles to silence the fountain of words trying to escape from him and takes a deep breath. "I'm ready," he tells him. "I want to tell you. Maybe not everything, but I want to start."

Magnus still looks shocked, but he nods anyways. "Okay. I'm listening."

Alec nods. "So, my biological father... He wasn't a good man. I don't think I'm ready to talk about him yet, but I can tell you I was the result of him taking advantage of my mother." Alec tries not to notice how Magnus's face darkens at that revelation. He, for the most part, fails. "That's a story for another day. What I wanted to tell you is that he's the reason I haven't been able to do much without freaking out. When I was a kid he took a hot poker and... I have scars on my back from it. I can't keep lying to you about it. I want to show you. You don't have to look if you don't want to, but I just thought you should know."

At this point, Magnus looks so taken aback by everything Alec has revealed that Alec thinks he might just stand there forever, but he manages to speak after only a moment's hesitation. "If that's what you want."

Alec takes a deep breath before turning around. He can hear Magnus's quiet gasp, and he squeezes his eyes shut, praying that Magnus isn't too horrified. 

"Alexander," Magnus breathes behind him. "You didn't deserve this. You never should have been treated this way."

Alec turns back to face Magnus, opening his eyes. "I know that now," Alec explained quietly. "I just needed to tell you."

"I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me." Magnus hesitated. "Why now?"

Alec grabbed Magnus's hand, making sure he had his attention. "I- I think I love you, and I'm terrified. I never thought I could be loved by anyone except my family. I don't even think I know what love is supposed to be after the things I've seen and heard. But what I do know is that when I'm with you, I feel safe. I trust you, and every one of our days spent together is the single best day of my life. I'm always thinking about you, and I would give up everything else if it means I can still have you at the end of the day. I never thought love could exist for someone like me until you came along. When I'm with you I feel like I'm the safest and happiest I will ever be, and damn it all, if that's not love, then I don't know what is."

Alec's chest was heaving like he had just run a mile. He felt lighter, almost dizzy as he waited for Magnus to respond. Magnus's lips had been slightly parted, but were now closing as he swallowed. "I love you too."

Alec hadn't considered how relieved he would feel if Magnus said it back, but once he registered his words he instantly felt a million times better. Alec grinned at Magnus, feeling like the whole world had shifted. "Thank you. I'm sorry I woke you up. I just-"

Magnus held a finger to Alec's lips, making Alec promptly forget what he was about to say. "It's okay, darling," Magnus said before sternly adding, "Although I want you to promise me something. Never thank someone for loving you again. You're so worthy of being loved, Alexander."

Alec's chest felt tight, but it wasn't a bad thing. He hadn't felt this good, this whole in his entire life. He wrapped his arms around Magnus, wanting to stay like that forever. 

Alec knew he would still have bad days. He knew he would occasionally get anxious and have panic attacks. There would be times when he had to go stay with his mother or his sister when they didn't feel safe at home alone. He would eventually tell Magnus everything about his father and what had happened to his family, but not right now. Right now, Magnus was holding Alec and Alec was holding Magnus and they had just said they loved each other. With Magnus here, Alec knew he wouldn't have to face his issues alone. As long as he had him, Alec would finally, for the first time in his life, be whole.

**Author's Note:**

> A little (a lot) cliché at the end there, sorry. I have one more idea I'd like to write and then I might take a break because I've been pretty busy. Find me on Tumblr at ace-alec-89, I love meeting new people! I hope you guys enjoyed this! Remember, it only takes a few seconds to leave a comment or kudos! :)


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